2017 Lesson

A lesson that I learnt. Or, I must say, RE-LEARNT.

I understood this well. Which was why I always put my guard high before this, not to get attached to people too much. It kinda made me a cold person, in a way. But I think no harm was done. To me and to other people.

But for some reason, I opened up myself a little bit too much recently and then, I started to expect people to be there for me in times that I need them. And the thing that I always tried to avoid - happened. I know it was not intentional, people have their own life to live, but still, I felt left behind and abandoned.  And when this kind of thing happened, I am pissed off at myself. I felt like I was betraying myself. I knew it too well that I shouldn’t get attached to anyone, but I still did. So that served me right.

But I’ve come to terms with my mistakes now. Lesson learnt and I've put it all behind me. This, however, is just a reminder to myself.

One Vs Thousands

There are thousands of reasons to be sore;
but I’ll hold on to the one thing that warms my heart.

One may be the smallest number,
but most of the times,
one is all we ever need.

Cendol Durian

Kalau lalu bandar Pekan, Pahang, dekat tepi sungai tu mesti nampak gerai-gerai cendol ni. Ada 2 van luton yang jual cendol kat sini, Cendol Hameed dengan Cendol Saleem. 

Hari tu kami makan dekat Cendol Saleem. First time makan cendol durian. Banyak jugak dia letak durian dalam tu, dalam 4 ulas macam tu, besar-besar pulak tu. Kenyang sampai petang.

Cendol ni my childhood favorite. Suka sangat makan cendol masa kecik-kecik dulu. Orang lain sibuk order ABC yang berwarna-warni tu, aku tetap dengan cendol ehehe. Tapi dah makin dewasa dah 'alah' dengan ais, so tak makan dah.

Ini pun hubby yang orderkan, maka aku gigih habiskan durian jelah.

Nasi Dagang Kampung Atas Tol

Masa tengok kedai ni viral dekat FB dulu-dulu, ingatkan takkan ada can nak pergi makan. Tapi dah namanya rezeki, baru-baru ni dapatlah jugak merasa.

Bagi aku memang sedap. Parents aku pun cakap sedap. Tapi my in-laws semua cakap biasa-biasa je. Mungkin sebab diorang dah biasa makan nasi dagang jadi expectation dia lebih tinggi. 

Kalau pergi Kuala Terengganu, silalah singgah di sini. Taip je Nasi Dagang Kampung Atas Tol kat Google Map tu. Dia betul-betul tepi jalan, memang akan terus nampak, bersebelahan dengan surau dan kubur.

Nasi dagang ni dia pakai beras basmathi sebab tu kot aku suka sangat ehehe. Dan teh ais dia pun aku suka, walaupun ais! 

Isnin tutup ye:

Katanya 630 pagi orang dah start beratur dah kat sini. Tapi masa kami pergi tu dah dekat pukul 9 pagi, masih ada lagi.

Putih

First of all, I wonder, who defines the standard of beauty? And what qualifies them to set the standard?

I am writing not on behalf of those highly-esteemed people, but on the contrary. I know what it's like to grow up believing that you're NOT pretty. Don't tell me about 'beauty is only skin deep' kind of thing - I've read tonnes of that stuff to comfort myself. Well, sometimes it worked. But most of the times, it didn't. Because at the end of the day, it's always the pretty faces who get away with anything, get every task done first (since they have so many volunteers to help them with), get the job, and so on.. 

As long as I can remember, I was not jealous, But I was upset with how the world works.

But as I grew older, I've come to terms with that reality. That's just how the world works. People will go after what appeal to their eyes first.

And somehow I have this urge inside of me to change that sentiment. I don't know how to do that  but as for now, I'll just write it up first.

I remember when I was 15, I decided to focus on people's 'strength', hoping that people will look at me the same. There must be something unique in a person, even though as a whole, one may not look gorgeous like a supermodel. There must be something special about her. Maybe she has a nice smile, or  dimples, or beautifully aligned teeth, or almond-shaped eyes, nice long fingers, or soft long hair. Or you can go to personality wise; like a good humor, kind heart, pleasant personality, anything, anything at all. If you really look beyond typical appearance, you will find it. It works for me all these while. After I changed the way I look at people, I don't bother so much about my physical appearance anymore.

And I really hate to see that it is now acceptable in our community to promote white skin and thin body as the standard of 'beautiful'. I think in a way, it's a discrimination. I've come across some of my younger friends who commented on those whitening product in FB pages with the intention of buying them. Yes, they are not the 'white-skinned' type, but they are pretty just fine, if only they could see that themselves.

And that's the problem. I feel like we're being brainwashed by these beauty products' marketing strategy, promoting the so-called ideal of beauty. Like, if you want to be beautiful, you have to be putih dan kurus. And to be exposed to that idea 24/7, of course, it will get to us eventually.

And have you noticed our local celebrities who suddenly became fair and white? I really don't think it's such a healthy trend.  

Don't get me wrong. I don't have anything against putih and kurus girls. I think I fall into that category, too, only I'm not the good-looking one. Of course, MOST of them are really good-looking. But my point here is, that is not the ONLY kind of beauty. You can be sawo matang and hitam manis; and still looking good. The problem is the mindset of our community - who doesn't see that, who makes fun of the skin colors other than 'white'. Personally, to me, it's a sick kind of perspective.

But you have no idea how it affects the kids yang chubby, yang tak putih bila diejek-ejek? You have no idea what it does to their self-esteem. Somehow I know that feeling, as a teenager with pimples and scars on my face - it's very upsetting to be ridiculed like that. The insults could do damage to our emotion for a lifetime. Of course, I don't blame the kids yang mengejek, but in the first place, they should not have the idea of 'putih/kurus tu cantik'. And again, who's responsible for inculcating such idea into their raw mind?

Having said these, I really admire Adibah Noor and Sherry Al-hadad so much. They don't fit in our society's requirement of typical beauty but to me, they are wayy more gorgeous than those who do. They are confident, smart and funny - tell me, what's not beautiful about this?

The thing is, when someone wants to be white and fair, that should be his/her personal desire. It shouldn't be generalized. It shouldn't be advertised. It shouldn't be normalized.

If you're born fair and white, it's okay. And if you are not, it's okay, too.

After all, we are a bunch of geo-politically-Nusantara people , why would we want to look like a Caucasian?

Baitil Jannati~Tzul Family Day 2017

It was a simple gathering to wrap up 2017 for #tzulfamily. 2 aktiviti je pun: bowling dan dinner but we had a blast.

Date: 8 Dec 2017

Venue : Premium Lanes, Kuantan Plaza and Restoran Jaman Tory, Cawangan Semambu, Kuantan

Yang paling tak tahan adalah cerita "Arnab dan Kura-kura" di sebalik bowling tournament tu. Hahaha. Bila favourite team dapat last place, while the 'underdogs' yang score banyak dan menang - memang kelakar. Tula, over-confident lagi 🤣🤣🤣

Share pictures and videos jelah.

Pembahagian kumpulan. Rupanya ada orang bagi list ni dekat kaunter tempat bowling tu, jadi diorang pergi key-in nama bowlers ikut list ni pulak

Premium Lanes, Kuantan Plaza

All of us

The champion : Team Aboh

And a video compiled by cousin, Ami:

Love you, semua keluarga.

Thrown and Stranded

I am out of breathe

and such sore to the eyes

waiting to die

waiting to be washed away.

Thrown and stranded I am

     wishing to be where 

     I belong.

Disclaimer: All poems may be or may not be from my own experience. Some are merely from observations. Just chill, don't speculate 😝😝

23 Years Ago

Pagi tadi pergi breakfast dengan Mak dan Abah dekat area pasar pagi, terjumpa cikgu kelas 6 Melati masa sekolah rendah dulu - Cikgu Fazidahanim.

Mula-mula tak cam masa mak tegur dia sebab macam terset dalam kepala yang itu kawan mak, maka tak terfikir rupanya beliau tu orang yang aku kenal. Bila cikgu senyum, baru aku cam. Senyuman yang sama macam 23 tahun yang dulu.

Memang tak pernah jumpa dah lepas habis sekolah rendah. Memang aku tak pernah dah terserempak dengan cikgu-cikgu (or even most of kawan-kawan sekolah rendah aku). Mungkin sebab aku dah tak duduk Kemaman sangat sejak tu, dan setiap kali cuti sekolah dan cuti sem dulu aku duduk memerap je kat rumah, maka kebarangkalian nak terjumpa sesiapa tu tipis sangat. Dan sekarang ni walaupun dah rajin merayap bila balik kampung, aku rasa kalau terjumpa pun mungkin aku dah tak berapa nak cam. Dah lama sangat.

Tapi cikgu masih ingat aku, siap ingat tahun dia mengajar aku, dan aku dapat offer sekolah mana lepas sekolah rendah tu, terharu sungguh! Jasamu ku kenang sampai bila-bila, cikgu 😘😘

Tak Pandai

Aku tak pandai menjadi redha.
.
.
Tapi aku pandai yakinkan diri
    aku bukan penting
pandai juga menghilang,
menjauh dari yang menyakitkan.
.
.
Atau;

Itu pun cabangan redha?

Love and Its Complications

Ramai orang yang nak jadi orang yang paling disayangi. Tapi aku rasa, tak ramai yang peduli tentang amanah yang datang bersama dengan menjadi yang paling disayangi.

Kebanyakan kita cuma nak ‘faedah’ yang datang dengan menjadi yang paling disayangi. Boleh mintak apa saja, pasti akan tertunaikan. Boleh nak mengada-ngada, mesti ada yang layan. Sakit sikit, ada tempat nak mengadu dan bermanja. Sakit banyak apatah lagi.

Tapi kita sedar tak, kalau kita ni adalah yang paling disayangi antara ramai, maka hanya kita yang mampu menggembirakan hati orang yang sayang sangat dekat kita tu. 

Selalunya dia tak tunjuk pengharapan dia sebab terlalu sayangkan kita, jadi kita akan terus lalai, terlupa untuk menggembirakan dia.

Jadi bagi aku, tak mengapalah kalau tak terlalu disayangi sebab aku rasa aku tak mampu nak pikul amanah menjadi yang diharapkan dan menjadi yang menggembirakan.