Life Lesson from A Betrayal Part II

Terima kasih tikam aku dari belakang,

di waktu aku melawan kata hati aku,

menidakkan kemungkinan kamu memiliki pisau.

Tertipu aku,

dengan kata hati sendiri yang memuliakan kamu;

dengan kamu yang berupa seorang sahabat.

Terima kasih atas pelajaran ini,

aku tak akan lupa sampai mati.

Life Lesson from A Betrayal

When you feel like you’re making a bad choice, you probably is. 

And if you still choosing it, be prepared to regret it one day.

Be prepared to be deeply devastated.

Sometimes, patience doesn’t pay off. Sometimes it’s not worth making all the sacrifices.

Sometimes, you really have to trust your instinct.

And if you pretend (to be strong) too much, soon you will be forgotten.

People will forget that you are a human with a heart.

If you think people will remember you for  all the ups and downs you’ve faced together with them, you’re wrong. People will justify everything they do. They will have excuses for everything.

Sometimes your role is just to pave a path for someone else to walk through it.

And what is your role again?

Just someone who paved the path.

For SOMEONE ELSE to walk through it.

Falsafah H&M

Sesuatu yang buat aku agak berfikir.

1. Masuk H&M waktu tak ada budget untuk beli baju:

Semua nampak cantik, rasa nak beli semua.

2. Masuk pula H&M waktu ada bugdet untuk 4,5 helai. Kalau nasib baik, dapatlah sehelai. Tapi biasanya, buat penat je pusing satu store, satu pun tak berkenan. Too short, too ‘transparent’, too tight, too much, too little haha, macam-macam lah.

Jadi, kesimpulannya apa?

Is this a disease?

1.  Kemahuan untuk memiliki sesuatu yang tak boleh dimiliki?
2.  Ataukah sebenarnya tak pernah nak pun?
3.  Tahap kemahuan bergantung pada tahap kebolehmilikan?
4.  Tak pernah tahupun apa sebenarnya yang diri sendiri nak?

Entahlah.

W.E.A.K

I didn't really see myself as a bad person before.

But I’ve come to realise that being weak is just as equal.

Doa

Biasakan diri kita untuk sentiasa mendoakan orang yang berbuat baik pada kita.

Yang tolong bukakkan pintu, tahankan pintu, yang bagi jalan, tunjukkan jalan, etc etc.

For all kind of kindness. Be it small or big. From our loved ones, or even strangers.

Semoga kita menjadi orang yang selalu mendoakan kebaikan. As simple as “Semoga Allah berkati kamu” pada setiap orang yang berbuat baik.

Dan semoga para malaikat mengaminkan doa kita.

Dan mana tahu, diaminkan malaikat dan didoakan kembali untuk kita, “Dan untuk kamu juga”

Spread Love, Not Hate

I don’t understand what I’m hearing these days. I don’t understand, especially when it comes from the person who should be promoting how wonderful Islam is. 

Why are we inculcating hate among us? Why are we using hate as a weapon to win people? What good does it ever do?

We are born different for some reason. And I’m pretty sure that reason is NOT to hate each other. Don’t you think so?

Of Slavery

Semalam hati gundah-gulana, for no reason. So I opted to listen to ever-soothing voice, Ustazah Yasmin Mogahed. Aku dengar random je dekat youtube, not specified any topic. Lepas tu terdengar satu ayat ni:

“Be very very careful what you love most because you’ll become a slave to it”

Dan, macam mana cara nak tahu apa benda yang matter to us the most? Find out what constantly is on our mind, even masa solat. 

It sort of ‘stabbed’ my heart. Aku tau dah apa yang aku kisahkan sangat dalam dunia ni 😔

Tulah jadinya - gundah gulana memanjang bila hati tak diisi sepenuhnya dengan Allah.

What The Boss Said

My ex-boss once told me that I underestimated myself. Well, you know what, boss, that’s not news eheh. I’ve been living my whole life doing that, I guess. I wish I could change that part of me, but again and again I’m back at that place where I doubt myself, look down on me and underestimate myself. I know, I’m actually my biggest bully.. sobs.

I consider myself a ‘damaged soul’, which according to my husband, it would take a developed-country-psychiatric to figure me out. And as twisted as my mind can be, I do take that as a compliment, haha. But anyways, I think bits by bits I’m trying to recover. Sometimes I managed, sometimes I didn’t. But all in all, I grew, I guess.

Matter of the Heart

Why has it been almost 3 weeks since I last wrote in here? And I actually type writed, instead of wrote in the last phrase *sigh. Something is quite wrong with me *sigh again.

I was not busy at all. I had things in mind that I want to write about, but I just didn’t feel like writing. Haha, same old excuses.

I wanted to write about Ketupat Palas. There was a story about ketupat palas. Well, not really a story, more of a thought, actually. But, haihh, don’t really how to. Haha. So will get to that on the next next post.

Something had changed in these past 3 weeks. I realise that as I get older, change is hard. Change is sad. Change is depressive. I didnt really know how to deal with change lately. So I just keep telling myself to keep istighfar, praying that the heavy feeling in my heart would be lifted out. Alhamdulillah, after 3 days, I got better. And I’m fine now. Alhamdulillah.

So the point is, Allah is the owner of our heart, He is the turner of the heart. So always, always turn to Him. And ask Him.

Of The Good and The Bad

Yesterday was everything that had always made me questioned myself. Questions like, the reason of my existence in this world, blablabla😔But I’d rather not write all those questions down. It’s not healthy, I know. So, anyways, among those that made me feel like hell,  somehow, there were goodness out of nowhere, when I expected the worst to come.

Bila orang lain buat arrangement yang aku kena handle tapi aku tak aware of the consequences, dan buatkan aku terpaksa went against all odds. Kena marah dengan ramai orang due to the arrangement (which was made by others), ditambah dengan last minute bail-out, nak kena arrange new person in charge in such a short notice. Lepas tu nak kena buy time, which was not easy for someone who doesnt like to talk like me.

Almost every person I called scolded me, some even just hung up on me. But I didnt cry. I had no time to cry yesterday. Masa tu cuma fikir macam mana nak setelkan benda tu je. 

And when I said sorry to the person who’s primarily affected by the whole cazy and stupid arrangement, guess what he said? “Don’t worry about it. You orang baik, I appreciate your time”

Well, I’m crying by the time I’m writing this. Masa tu memang rasa comforted bila dapat dengar perkataan yang baik-baik after some harsh ones. Because that was exactly what I needed at the moment. No, not the pujian or appreciation, just some undertanding. He had every reason to be upset and mengamuk, but he chose not to. Big respect.

Bila type ni barulah rasa sebak. Sampainyalah hati diorang tu semua. Huhu. Entahlah, aku pun malas nak fikir sangat pasal orang-orang yang marah-marah aku padahal aku pun dalam keadaan tersepit jugak. Tak pelah, aku tak nak pikir pasal diorang dah. Sebab di sebalik orang- orang yang disrespectful tu, Allah turunkan lebih ramai orang yang baik-baik, yang helpful, easy-going dan menyenangkan urusan aku. Alhamdulillah. Sobsob, sebak lagi..

Selain individu yang aku sebut kat atas tu, ada satu team yang senang sangat nak bekerjasama bila aku mintak support dari diorang. Sekali call je terus datang, tak ada banyak songeh macam team yang lagi satu. Sampai aku rasa macam, eh, biar betul? Aku doakan Allah permudahkan urusan mereka yang memudahkan urusan orang lain.

“If you keep thinking too much of what’s bad, you might end up losing what’s good” -Good Witch-

Yes, I should always keep this in mind. It’s not even worth it to keep thinking about the bad people who hurts you without feeling any guilt.

I guess, I found a little comfort in telling myself that - if people treat you like trash, that is actually a reflection of themselves. Period.

Owh, speaking of Good Witch, season 4 dah keluar kat Netflix. Yeayyy!  Bolehlah marathon cuti 4 hari ni.

The Unsaid

Somethings are better left unsaid, they say.

Which is absolutely true. People would assume they know what’s in your heart based on how you choose to appear on the outside. And as for me, I dont like drama. And I’m bad at expressing myself. And I dont like explaining myself too much.

Most of the times I just go along with what people assume about me. That is much easier and saves up a lot of energy, at least for me. Because dealing with the truth, especially of my own failure is really, really exhausting. 

I did cry inside, but I just laughed it out. Well, this feeling of failing at something is not funny, and it’s far from happy. But like they say, somethings are really better left unsaid.

So, yeah..

The Philosophy of Tauhu Bergedil

Teringin nak makan tauhu bergedil. Kebetulan dapat cabut awal, sempatlah menyinggah ke pasar malam.

Tapi dah tertulis rezeki tauhu bergedil tu tak ada untuk aku hari ni. Walaupun dapat pi pasar malam hari ni, kakak yang jual tu pulak tak ada menjual. 

Yup, life is like that.

Nikmat Yang Ditarik

Don’t remember if I ever did blog about this. I have this problem, from time to time. And if I remember it correctly, for the past recent years, it had been like once a year.

Not to whine about it, but it actually hits that I have always take it for granted - the appetite. Because once I lose it, kalau orang hidang laksa Thai (the one with green curry) depan mata pun, aku tak mampu nak telan *nangis. Okay, laksa Thai is my current favourite food. 

Even tengok makanan pun kadang-kadang ada rasa nak throw up. Haishhh.. Buat aku terfikir jugak, mungkin ni macam 10% of what preggie mommies yang ada morning sickness yang teruk-teruk tu rasa kot. 

Dengan ada gastritis problem ni, jadi double trouble bila tak dapat nak makan ni. Itulah dia, nikmat yang kita tak berapa nak bersyukur selama ni, Allah nak tarik bila-bila masa je kan

Hopefully, my appetite’ll come back pretty soon.

Perihal Raya 2018 (Part II)

Raya kedua hari tu pergi melawat nenek saudara belah mak, dia kena second stroke, dah tak boleh bercakap, tak boleh bangun.

Sayu sangat masa salam, dia pandang aku lama, rasanya dia tak kenal kot sebab jarang sangat jumpa bila dah besar panjang ni.

Patutlah kita ni diwajibkan pergi melawat orang sakit. Bila tengok keadaan Tok Su terasa ada satu keinsafan dalam diri. Betapa selama ni tak jaga kesihatan (esp in terms of food intake and exercise) dan juga bab-bab ibadah - betapa beruntungnya kita yang masih mampu solat dalam keadaan sempurna. Dan dari segi komunikasi pulak, adakah kita ni gunakan nikmat dapat mendengar dan bercakap tu dengan benda-benda yang baik dan bermanfaat sahaja. 

Semoga Tok Su dipermudahkan segala urusan, dikurangkan kesakitan dan diberi kesembuhan.

1998 - 2018

I think I just have to document this. I don't exactly know why, but DSAI's release seems like an important thing to remember.

It all started in 1998 - when he was sacked - I was already pro-Anwar. I started adding alphabet H at the end of my name, bersempena nama anak beliau, Nurul Izzah. To be exact, aku eja nama aku macam ni - Izza(h). Haha, kengkonon, either way, Izza or Izzah. Pernah terlintas jugak dalam fikiran masa tu, mungkin bakal suami nanti orang yang nama start dengan huruf H kot. In hindsight, it actually made sense, haha.

Dan seingat aku lagi, mak pernah bagitau that Mak Abah named me after Anwar Ibrahim's daughter,  who is 2 years older than me, so it made sense. Mungkin Mak Abah memang dah follow Anwar Ibrahim dah zaman tu.

Teringat malam-malam lepas prep duk bersembang hal politik dengan dormmates. Masa tu internet was scarce, tak di hujung jari macam sekarang. Dan bukan semua orang ada line Internet dekat rumah.  Maka we based on hardcopy reading materials, newspaper from both government and opposition sides, lepas tu ada lah flyers and brcohures. And the fact that one of the girls in my batch is related to Anwar Ibrahim. 

Semangat reformasi masa tu memang lain macam, haha. Tapi aku tak pernahlah join mana-mana demonstrasi Reformasi masa tu. Ada satu malam, lepas habis prep malam, masa nak balik hostel, ada ramai FRU dalam school compund, tapi dah tak ingat kenapa. Mungkin ada demonstrasi kat PWTC kot. Cuaklah perasaan masa tu. But nothing bad happened.

Masa matriks pun jumpa ramai geng yang sama ideologi jadi semangat tu tetap menebal.

Tapi zaman uni macam dah slowed down. I don't remember why. Mungkin tak ada geng yang sama-sama haluan kiri. atau disebabkan Aukujanji masa tu. By right, masa tahun PRU 2004 I was already entitled to vote, but I'm pretty sure I didn't register. Tapi kalau register pun mungkin tak balik mengundi jugak, sebab zaman tu bukannya boleh suka-suka balik kampung sebab faktor harga tiket bas dan jarak perjalanan yang sungguh tak mesra pelajar. 

Bila dah kerja, ni zaman yang aku lost track of almost memories. Tapi aku pernah terserempak dengan Nurul Izzah kat Bangsar Village somewhere in 2008 or 2009, fangirl moment kejap, tapi cuma senyum dari jauh jelah. 

Dan masa PRU13, adalah timbul balik semangat tu sebab ada gang, mostly my Chinese friends. Tapi seingat aku masa tu bukan semangat reformasi dah, more to spread anti-racism sentiment lah kononnya. And also, it was my first time voting, although the ones I voted for both DUN and Parlimen lost.

So now, 2018, after 20 years, Anwar Ibrahim is finally a free man. Sebagai salah seorang yang pro-his side all the way, it is an inspiring moment for me. Of what patience and perseverance pays.

Ramadhan 1439

Salam Ramadhan.

Well, it’s already day 2 of Ramadhan.

Rasanya topik yang hangat sebelum puasa adalah perihal kemaafan. Satu, pengampunan DSAI. Kedua, di kalangan kita semua, bila nak masuk Ramadhan, masing-masing bertukar ucapan maaf. 

Yang paling menyentuh hati, bila aku mintak maaf, orang cakap “Kau tak ada buat salah apa pun". 

Well, of course I had. Tapi mungkin kesalahan lama tu orang betul-betul dah maafkan sampai anggap kita macam tak pernah buat salah, sobsob, terharu..

Jadi, itulah dia. Kita kena berlapang dada untuk maafkan orang, terutama untuk orang yang betul-betul perlukan kemaafan kita.  Bukan saja kita bebaskan diri sendiri dari perasaan dendam dan marah, tetapi juga beri harapan pada orang yang kita maafkan tu.

What We Read

Someone once mocked the choice of books that I read. At that time, I didn’t know how to react. I didn’t know what was she thinking, to ridicule someone who’s already with low self-esteem like that. Maybe someone ‘strong’ like her doesn’t need those kind of books, because maybe she feels so content with herself. Although I think, a normal happy person doesn’t go around making other people miserable, right?

But today, after years of reading SELF-HELP books, it actually teaches and trains me on how to talk to myself. And most importantly, how to filter the thoughts that goes on my mind. Like when someone makes such hurtful and rude remark, in a way, there is a filtering system that won’t allow that to reside in me. The trick is, you need to let go of that as soon as you can, because once you indulge the bad feelings, sometimes it stays for years.

But of course, it’s an ongoing process because the filter is not automatically always there.

Not So Political

Watched Wardina's IG Live last night.

The thing that caught my attention when she listed out the qualities that leaders should have: 

"Leaders who are not "kaki gaduh", yang boleh melembutkan hati-hati yang keras, those with conflict-resolution and managing diversity skills..."

The truth is, we need more people like that in this world. Not only leaders. But everybody. Imagine a world full of this type of people. Aman damailah kita semua.

Pretentious..Not

What if people don't pretend that they are good?

What if they were really good and become not-so-good under certain circumstances?

In that case or another, no good would ever come from hatred. Don't you think?

Hypothetically

This one is going to be very subtle. 

Aku tak naklah menyentuh sensitiviti mana-mana pihak. Lagipun ini cuma based on my observation, seperti dalam senario-senario yang tersebut di bawah. Dan aku pun tak berminat nak huraikan lebih-lebih. 

Sebenarnya aku dah lama perasan, cuma ini lebih menguatkan lagi apa yang aku perasan.

Ada tiga senario (yang aku harap bukan aku sorang je yang perasan). Tapi entahlah. Aku pun tak tahu sebenarnya di mana duduknya kebanyakan kita di bumi Malaysia ni. 

Scenario 1:

Just recently. At some taxing agency regarding taxing thing.

Scenario 2:

Recent Job Openings in one of the popular job portal.

Scenario 3:

Ini dah lama (lebih kurang 3 years ago). Masa tu pergi agensi yang sama dalam senario 1, hal yang lebih kurang sama jugak. Kebetulan masa tu ramai orang datang untuk program mengurangkan beban rakyat tu.

Sedih sebenarnya dengan situasi-situasi ni. Apa-apa pun, aku harapkan, dalam kita semua berjuang dengan cara kita sendiri, yang paling penting, aku harap kita semua tidak tersalah pilih perjuangan. 

Ikut rasa, binasa,

Ikut hati, mati.

Sedarlah sebenarnya, tiada lagi yang menjaga kepentingan kita. Dan itu sebenarnya bukanlah suatu  yang buruk sepenuhnya. Kerana kita tetap masih boleh berdiri di atas kaki sendiri. Kita hanya perlu SEDAR.