..Mencari Diri..

This is something real deep. Yet crappy.

I really really dont want to complain about everything in my life - but I guess I just need to let it out.

I remember precisely when I was 10 - my 3 ambitions were to be a Nurse, Teacher and Policewoman

And when I was 12, the ambition got weirder and more nonsense, I must say, TV influence : An athlete, lawyer (ok, mari gelakkan diri sendiri), an author, jounalist..and the list goes on..

When I was 15 - that was when I thought I want to be an engineer. I thought it was 'cool' to be one and that it might make a lot of money (huh?!). So I set my mind after that. And that was the path I was taking back then.

So I'm becoming one today - almost 3 years already (it did 'sound' cool but I think I'm underpaid!huhu).

Everyday I have to drag myself to work and I cant help myself thinking that this is not happy :(

Sometimes people just say "Jangan pikir sangat" - so does 'not think about that' means we just let it become a part of us and just live with it? Until one day it explodes?

Sometimes I think to just quit my job and just do what I love, but then again, I have to tell myself to be reasonable and sensible. Mana nak carik duit ooii!!

There were several times I asked En Hubby "Can I resign first and try to find another job within that 2 months notice?" Hehe, gilak betul!!! He was okay with that but seriously, I dont know if I'm 'willing' to take the risk?

The job that I envy the most at this point is the radio DJ/presenter. I mean, they are people who are gifted with talking and so far, I haven't met a single soul who's good at talking but hate talking. And these DJs talk for a living. What a bless! Of course they have to do some research here and there so that they wont sound stupid when they speak Malay. But they can just be themselves almost all the times and do research when necessary. While in my case, there's nothing 'me' about being an engineer - it's all about research - all the times!!

At the age of (almost) 28, I think I now find what I love doing but I guess, it's already too late. And now I really feel trapped by some 15-years-old-ambition.

*Inhale. Exhale. Istighfar.

I remember I heard Ustaz Zawawi said something like this - "Kalau nak rasa ketenangan, kita kena fikir nasib orang-orang yang lebih malang dari kita"

There - letting it out and rationalize it. I think I breathe easier now than last night and the night before. And the nights before.